Hollywood star tom cruise was a great visitor to Hoedspruit. For starters, she knew how to wave. This, surprisingly, is not a friendly gesture that everyone who comes to Hoedspruit seems to know. So, with the current influx of visitors to the city seeking the wild and wonderful splendor of life in safari country, it’s time to lay down some ground rules… for everyone’s sake. And there is no one better equipped for the job than Gillian Leigh Soameswho resides in the spectacular Hoedspruit Wildlife Reserve. Here are Gillian’s guidelines to help you assimilate more easily with the Hoedspruit locals…
** 21 RULES OF HOEDSPRUIT **
1. Pull up your sagging pants. You look like an idiot.
2. Put on the cap straight, your head is not crooked. When you sit down to eat, take it off. It’s called manners.
3. Let’s clear this up; it’s called ‘dirt road’. No matter how slow you drive, his Mercedes will collect dust. Drive it or get off the road.
4. So you have a R950,000 car. We are impressed. The farmers here have R4.5M farm equipment that is only used 3 weeks a year.
5. Then every person in Hoedspruit says hello. It’s called being nice. Try to understand the concept.
6. If your cell phone rings while you’re in a game, we’ll shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear by then (see #9).
7. Here we eat meat and potatoes. However, the restaurants cater to all diets; lamb for vegetarians, chicken for vegans, and if you want sushi, you can get it at Fat Franks – it’s called biltong.
8. Telling someone that they drink like a girl is considered a compliment.
9. Oh yeah, most people in Hoedspruit carry a gun on their person; in the car, in the bakkie, in the tractor, in the game driving vehicle, in the house, in the store, in the bar and on PostNet. You get the picture?
10. We open doors for women. That goes for all women, regardless of age.
11. Daytime temperatures below 35˚C are considered cold.
12. Winter is the last Wednesday of June.
13. You bring ‘coke’ to my house, it better be brown, wet and served with ice.
14. You bring ‘Mary Jane’ to my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a bakkie and have long hair.
15. Rugby is a religion here. Don’t think you’re going to impress any of the Sleepers ladies by telling them you’re a football player unless you want one of them to kick your skinny, selfish, overpaid ass up the stairs and in the parking lot.
16. Yes, we have a golf course. But don’t hit the water hazards, scare the crocodiles.
17. Turn down the volume on that damn car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap isn’t music anyway. And we don’t want to hear it any more than we want to see your underpants. Please refer back to #1.
18. We know it’s cute when boars walk into Pick ‘n Pay, or the likkewaan drink water in the Great Outdoors, but leave them alone, they will hurt you!
19. Horses have the right of way at the KFC drive-thru.
20. We don’t have or need Woolworths, DisChem or Clicks. You moved here from the city for small-town life, not to take the fucking city to paradise. Get over. Support the many other local businesses.
21. If you don’t like the rules, R40 goes north and south, R527 goes west. Choose one. Bye.
WATCH Tom Cruise greeting and chatting with friendly Hoedspruit locals, February 2022
To follow @Gillian Soames Leopard Queen On Instagram! or in Facebook.